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it's been forever

hoagie3852@aol.com — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 04:26:06 GMT

Nothing really important to say just rambling off some bullshit. First thing I have to say is that time changes everything. It changes you and it changes me. It is the one constant thing that can always be relied on. Time has done me good in someways and screwed me over in others. I'm very happy with where Im at right now. Especially for the burned bridges that have been repaired. +Friends really are the people who can see the good inside of you despite knowing the evil that resides there as well. Those are the ones you want to hold on to. Then there are the ones who can't let go. You can't move forward to new things while you're clinging to the past with every you got. There's a time when things need to accepted though painful and difficult only then can you see the forrest through the trees and understand that while things may not be the way you planned the way they turn out might be better than how you planned.

I need to know what happens when i die. Because it's strange that people live their lives for the purpose of their death. The thing that keeps most people in line and "moral" is the fact that they are scared to go to hell. What if hell doesn't exist or heaven. How would you feel after living your whole life being a good person and come to find out that it was all for nothing? I would demand do over. We don't get do overs though so I guess I'll just have to take my chanes and hope I don't spend the rest of my existance in the firey depths of hell. Life is a gift and I think the most should be made out of it. I'm done being scared and I'm done trying to keep the peace and make people happy. No one else is gonna give up their dreams for my benefit, why should I do the same for them. Is guilt a normal human emotion or is that something that was created by religion? I guess it depends on the form of guilt. There is the feeling of guilt for doing "bad" things and there is guilt more in the form of regret. Regret. When I was younger I was down for whatever and the only thing I wanted out of life was to regret nothing. There's not much I regret but regrets I do have are sometimes overwhelming. Things that appologies couldn't fix but time has seemed to help. I will never be okay with some of the things I've done but I'm glad that people can forgive things, even though they will never be forgotten.

hoagie3852@aol.com — Sun, 16 Jul 2006 20:05:38 GMT

I'm joining the Army I leave Aug 3rd for basic at Fort Lenard Wood in Missouri. I am going to be a concrete/ asphalt equip. op. I'm pave me some roads. Anybody who might be bored is more than welcome to send me some letters. HOOAH!

hoagie3852@aol.com — Sun, 09 Apr 2006 23:43:30 GMT

MY DOG ATE MY DICK!! :(

hoagie3852@aol.com — Tue, 28 Feb 2006 03:56:12 GMT

okay just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who gave me their two cents. But for any of you that know me well you know how indecisive I am and so I decdided to go with a name that wasn't even on the list. My name is Hunter Ryan. Since everyone seems to like ryan the most I figured that would make for a good middle name. BTW chantelle, i just might have to take you up on that offer :D

hoagie3852@aol.com — Fri, 24 Feb 2006 04:53:08 GMT

hey I know it's been a while and all that jazz but for once i actually have some pretty exciting things to update about.

I got a new job! I am an optician for Premier eyecare group. The jobs a little weird but I'm making some crazy money so I'm happy.

The other big thing is that I started therapy to become FTM. So I am very excited about that. After years of talking about it I'm actually doing it.

I NEED OPINIONS!!!!!! I KNOW YA'LL GOT ONE SO PLEASE SHARE IT!!!!!!!!!

EVEN IF I DON'T KNOW YOU THAT WELL PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YA THINK!!!!!!!

Okay so now that I am becoming FTM I need a male name. Trouble is I can't decide so please cast a vote or gimme a new suggestion. The choices are:

Ben

Ryan

Austin

Tristan

Trent

Leo

hoagie3852@aol.com — Wed, 11 Jan 2006 23:09:59 GMT

The most perfect thing in this world is a Sheetz burger custom made just for me. yum.

anyway....
I am have a "mid-life" crisis and i need people with more common sense than I to help me sort through some things. Any volunteers? Well here we go. I learned today that I passed my exam so I am now certified optician. Which I should be really excited about cause i studied my ass off for that test. But I'm not cause that means that I have to be an optician. I don't wanna be an optician cause i have to dress up and be really girls and do my hair all nice and wear business suits. I know i should just suck it up and do it cause the money itsn't half bad but I want a dirty/outside job. I wasn't made to work in an office type setting. Some of you might not know this about me ( maybe you do) but I really want a sex change. Which is a whole other set of issues but I dunno how a professional job like that would deal with me being trans. I also don't know if it's appropriate for a female to wear pants and a tie to work in a setting like that. What I really wanna do is be a truck driver and I know that doesn't sound very ambious of me but I really think I would be happy doing that. And pretty much the one question that would answer all the other questions I have is : Is it okay to put your own happiness above the happiness of your family? I am one confused individual so any thoughts on this would be greatly apprecited.

fill this out and you'll get a kiss

hoagie3852@aol.com — Wed, 11 Jan 2006 22:53:50 GMT

1. Name:
2. Date of birth:
3. Where you live:
4. What makes you happy:
5. Currently listening to/the last thing you listened to:
6. Do you read my journal?:
7. How did you find/meet me?:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/do you have a crush at the moment?:
10. Favourite place to spend time:
11. Favourite lyric:
12. The best time of the year:

RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A band, a song, or album:
4. A food:

PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Look at my friends-list and tell what you like about one of our mutual friends:
4. Put this in your journal so that I can tell you what I like.

hoagie3852@aol.com — Thu, 29 Dec 2005 03:01:47 GMT

1. initials: AEH
2. name someone with the same birthday as you: Elvis
3. where was your first kiss? um in my bedroom
4. for or against same sex marriages? For
5. are you homophobic? Nope
6. are you bisexual? nope
7. do you believe in God? oh jeez i don't know... if ya really care i'll be more than happy to tell you all my thoughts on god
8. how many US states have you been to? i'm gonna say prob about 35 or more
9. how many of the US states have you lived in? PA KS
10. have you ever lived outside the US? Nope
11. name something you like physically about yourself: my eyes
12. name something non physical you like about yourself: My logic and reasoning
13. where do you want to go to college? I don't think i really do
14. what is your dream car? one that works the way it should
15. if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? New Zealand
16. have you ever had someone of the opposite sex over at your house while your parents were gone? um i don't think so
17. how many concerts have you gone to? alanis ( twice), melissa ferrick ( twice) sheryl crow, michelle branch, hootie and the blowfish, monkey bus
18. do you download music? i did when i had high speed
19. how many illegal things have you done? i dunno 7
20. where would you want to go on a first date? for a walk it's a good way to get to know someone
21. describe your perfect date: dinner and then chillin in a park and discussing things from football scores to politics to what is silly puddy made out off
22. has anyone ever sang or played for you personally? yep
23. ever been kissed under fireworks? yea
24. have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time? nope never did that i'm aone woman man
25. do you like president bush? HELL NO
26. have you ever bungee jumped? no but i think i'd try it
27. have you ever white-water rafted? eyah twice
28. have you ever crashed a car? yes.. i'm so pissed off
29. has anyone more than 10 years older than you hit on you? yup
30. have you met a real redneck? met one.. shit i am one... that's why i live in Perry County
31. are you interested in anyone right now? very
32. what song are you listening to right now? no music just me
33. what is your current favorite song? Good Ride Cowboy- Garth Brooks
34. what was the last movie you watched? hmmm Polar Express
35. who was the last person you said you loved? Jeri
36. where was the last place you went besides your house? Work
37. have you ever seriously vandalized someone elses property? nah
38. have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? Yup
39. have you ever sang in front of a large number of people? nope
40. whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? eyes
41. what really turns you on? sense of humor, leather, lube, etc
42. what do you usually order from starbucks? iced chai
43. what is your biggest mistake? dropping out of KU
44. have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? yup
45. say something totally random about you: my dick is too big for my body ( just checking if your actually reading this :D )
46. do you have an i-pod? nope
47. has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? never... except i think someone compared me to Chris Katan one time
48. do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? sure sometimes
49. do you have braces? nope
50. are you comfortable with your height? i wish i was a little bit taller wish i was... sing with me :D
51. do you speak any other languages besides English? nope
52. have you ever been to a tanning salon? yes... no comments
53. what magazines do you read? Maxim
54. do you think these surveys are stupid? every once in awhile they are cool
55. do you have a hidden talent? not really if i find a talent i like to show it off
56. have you gone farther than kissing? um yes
57. have you ever ridden in a limo? Once
58. has anyone you were really close with, passed away? no
59. do you watch mtv? nah
60. whats something that really annoys you? Ignorant people
61. whats something you really like? learning stuff
62. do you like michael Jackson? i like the old MJ the new one freaks me out
63. can you dance? not at all
64. have you ever surfed? shit i can't even swim
65. do you know how to pump gas? wtf have people not mastered this?
66. do you drive? yes yes i do
67. whats the latest you have ever stayed up? um 36 hours and then totalled my car
68. have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die? yes read above
69. were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency? Nah
70. have you ever been dared to do something you didn't want to do? Yup
71. did you do it? Yup
72. do you actually read these when other people fill them out? sometimes i do

hoagie3852@aol.com — Thu, 29 Dec 2005 02:13:33 GMT

i never realized how gosh darn funny those crazy amish folk could be.... hilarious

hoagie3852@aol.com — Fri, 23 Dec 2005 03:19:22 GMT

A customer came into where I work today and touched on the heated Merry Christmas vs Happy Holidays debate. His thoughts where that if people didn't like they should "go back to where they came from". He also said that the US is a Christian nation. While we are predominantly Christian we are a religious freedom nation first and foremost. As far as the other comment he made, maybe he should go back to where he came from. One question to the Christians of this Christian nation, How does it feel? How does it feel to have people disreguard your beliefs like you have done to so many people through out history. I'm sure the Native Americans were wishing you would have gone back to where you came from before you killed most and converted the rest of them. Just becasue you're the majority doesn't mean you're right. Remember, there was a time when everyone thought the world was flat. Look at how that turned out.

I know this makes me sound like I am hostile towards Christians, I'm really not. I'm hostile towards people who have no tolerence for people other than what they deem to be "right". Why are people offended by happy holidays, it's an all purposes greeting and i think it's a damn good idea.

hoagie3852@aol.com — Wed, 21 Dec 2005 03:51:17 GMT

I've been asking for the same thing for christmas for years now and do ya think my christmas wish would come true no... even since i was like 4 I've been asking to be a boy for christmas and even now if i could have one thing that would be the one thing i would ask for. Merry Christmas Ya'll!

hoagie3852@aol.com — Wed, 30 Nov 2005 03:33:18 GMT

The rumours are true.. FRUIT CAKE IS NASTY

I was on a mission to find fruit cake and eat it cause i never have and i was convinced that I was going to be the one person who absolutly loved fuit cake and couldnt' get enough of it. Well I was wrong and it was gross and if anyone knows exactly what those gummy chunks of "fruit" are please, share your wisdom.

I believe that is all for now. Well a brief life update:

Living at home now, my beagle is retarded, Rent is awesome, my room leaks and I have a pimp den, I still love jeri after 11 months and I'm still poor. There ya go didn't miss much.

hoagie3852@aol.com — Tue, 25 Oct 2005 11:45:09 GMT

You fit in with:
Atheism

Your ideals mostly resemble those of an Atheist. You have very little faith and you are very focused on intellectual endeavors. You value objective proof over intuition or subjective thoughts. You enjoy talking about ideas and tend to have a lot of in depth conversations with people.

60% scientific.
100% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Annie's needs/wants/likes.... since all the cool kids are doiong it

hoagie3852@aol.com — Thu, 13 Oct 2005 11:48:18 GMT

Needs

1. Annie needs to be the only pet, as she. sometimes gets aggressive
2. Annie needs someone who is willing to put some training in, they will be quickly
rewarded as Annie is sensitive and quick to learn
3. Annie needs to be rescued by the armed forces (displaying male power)
4. Annie needs to pay for that airplane ticket, along with her other flight to come
to the Mayo Clinic for testing earlier this summer
5. Annie needs a resurrection from the psychological tomb of despair and anger
thrust upon her
6. Annie needs to see the sewage in the streets
7. Annie needs to stop everything and consult with her Heavenly Father
8. Her mother also starts stressing that Annie needs to grow into a lady. She sends
Annie to a woman who will teach her manners
9. Annie needs some special attention. Her stomach hurts and her ass needs stretching.
10. Annie needs a Woody

Wants
1. Annie wants a pet and has five dollars to spend on one
2. Annie wants her
friends to play, but they're messy from making spaghetti and meatballs.
3. To his horror Miss Annie wants Vernon to pay for the tutoring by helping the "Crazy
Lady" with the retarded kid in their neighborhood
4. Annie wants to smoke marijuana before sex
5.When Annie wants to move to California to be a star their relationship is destroyed
6. At one point, Jane and Elizabeth are concerned that Annie wants to straighten
her hair.
7.Aunt Annie wants you to be successful with her crafts
8.Annie wants us to dance and be happy
9.Annie" wants to get married to a sweet-talking man, who just wants to
get his hands on her money.
10.Annie wants to hear you say: “MY NAME IS JANE DOE AND I AM
PROUD TO BE DYSLEXIC!

Likes
1.Things Annie Likes. Bananas! Stinky dog treats; Having her belly rubbed
2.Annie likes to pass on the "secret of life" that she found written on a computer
terminal bearing a picture of Koko the gorilla
3.Annie likes the idea of Columbus being in chains
4.Annie likes to float in pools face down as if she's dead
5.Annie likes to bite
6. Annie likes the deranged person
7.Annie likes to dig, chew, and bite, and to roll in the bushes like a pig
8.Sure, Annie likes The Lion King — but she treasures Annie and the White Pony
9.Annie likes his soaps
10.Annie likes the toothed monkey very much

well that was fun. I encourage everyone to try it go to google and type " your name needs" and see what you need hehehe

hoagie3852@aol.com — Wed, 28 Sep 2005 20:57:07 GMT

<td align="center">You will be famous for eating the most hot dogs at Nathan’s Famous hot dog eating competition

You love life and enjoy doing what you feel like whenever. You are a free spirit and are not tied down by any social conventions.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

<td align="center">

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

<td align="center">You have a sexual hidden talent

You have a sexual hidden talent. You might not look it but you are a dynamo in bed. Most of your lovers think that it is from years of practice, but really, you were just born with it.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

These are so amazingly true it's friggin scary!

hoagie3852@aol.com — Wed, 28 Sep 2005 02:32:07 GMT

It has occured to me that my life is too damn serious. Reading over my last few posts with the exception of the puppy one, they all stone cold serious and I'm done. It's time to feel liberated!

In an attempt to feed myself I opened a box of mac and cheese only to discover I have no milk :( Any thought on a substitute? I heard from a drunk girl once that's it's pretty damn good with vanilla soy milk. But who the hell has that?!?!

I like workin with my dad. He's actually a really funny guy. At least I think so. And when I spend so much time around him I understand why I am the way I am.

Why are women so weird about sex.... If you want it all the time then your a horn dog and youre just with them for the sex. If you don't then they feel shitty cause they think that you don't find them attractive and what not. Please for the love of God tell me where is the happy medium. I swear women will be the destruction of me.

hoagie3852@aol.com — Sat, 24 Sep 2005 22:30:46 GMT

I'm really sad.... I don't want things to change.

hoagie3852@aol.com — Tue, 30 Aug 2005 23:23:18 GMT

Got a puppy woo hoo!!!! named it cody and she's blind but she is too sweet for words. I'll post pics soon hopefully

hoagie3852@aol.com — Sun, 14 Aug 2005 18:33:15 GMT

Jeri's niece spent the weekend with us. It was interesting to say the least. She's a cool kid and all but hyper as hell. What is it with kids and stealing hats. I don't remember ever doing that when I was young. It was really cool having her here though, it was lots of fun. Jeri and I had to be on our best behavior though because her niece is too young to understand. It was kinda weird though because she asked jeri when she was gonna get married and then she said oh i know why don't you marry annie. That shocked me a bit. Then the next day she wanted to play some kinda kissing game i dunno but she said that I could pretend I was a boy so me and jeri could kiss. She kept calling me daddy which was weird and cool at the same time. I dunno it was a pretty good weekend and in my last post I said I wanted kids and ya know it's good to know that after spending the weekend with one I still feel that way, probably even more so.

If anyone knows of any part time jobs that isn't mcdonalds please let me know. :D

hoagie3852@aol.com — Tue, 09 Aug 2005 01:19:38 GMT

So yeah I'm a slacker and everyone knows it but it's time for an update.... Not that much changes to write about but what the hell. I make eyeglasses and I actually enjoy it more than any person should. I'm such a dork but since it appears that's what I'm gonna be doing with my life I guess it's a damn good thing that I like it. I start working at mcdonalds again tomorrow. I swore I would never go back to that place but I'm sick of being broke so Da Burger Bitch is gonna return to my house of greatness. I'm talking to Amands again, which is cool I did miss hanging out with her but her b/f and ass and she can do better. She's not as fun when she is with him. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she has somebody just not that somebody. He doesn't like her to hang out with her friends and stuff and I'm sorry but I've been through a lot with amanda and he hasn't so for him to say shit like dont' hang out with them isn't right.

In other news....After hanging out with Jeri's niece and nephew this weekend I think I might seriously want to be a parent. Pretty soon. I love kids and I want to have them when i am young enough to enjoy them. But first things first the finances need to be in order. And I don't want to be working 3 jobs to support the child because I would like to be around to watch him/her grow up. I think her niece might be coming up this weekend for a slumber party, I hope that works out. That should be a lot of fun. It was cute this weekend because she thought I was a guy for awhile but I guess her mom explained to her that I was a girl... but she comes up to me and says " i know your a girl you wear lip stick" I about died I'm like yeah I'm a girl but I never wore any lipstick.

My parents are going away and I'm supposed to dog sit for them. I duno about that cause of working two jobs and it's not like I can bring the dogs here cause i have an apartment and the one dog it s mastiff they are huge she weighs as much as me. So I don't think that would go so well. I don't know what's gonna happen with that.

Everyone I know from high school is getting married and I guess I would join that crew if I could. I dunno it's just weird to see the people who used to make me blow milk out of my nose getting hitched.

I guess I should up date more often so I wouldn't have to write so much at once. It's just that when I sit down to update things usually don't come to me and I just stare blankly. Well not tonight kids....

hoagie3852@aol.com — Thu, 21 Jul 2005 18:40:12 GMT

No one said it would be easy but not one ever said it would be this hard. To top it all off it's raining. Sitting around waiting for FedEx is no way to live. Somethings gotta give and it gotta give soon.

hoagie3852@aol.com — Sun, 03 Jul 2005 13:33:48 GMT

Last night was pretty cool I went with Jeri's family to a carnival. I had so much fun. I won Jeri some stuff cause I'm smooth like that and it makes her happy so I figured it was the least I could do. There were a lot of people there and most of them were pissin me off, I hate people with strollers. There were also clown shaped trash cans which is definitly not cool. ( for those of you who didn't know I'm slightly terrified of clowns) And to end the night we watched some amazing fireworks. On the ride home we had a really good talk. So all in all it was just one of those great nights where I wouldn't change a thing.

hoagie3852@aol.com — Fri, 01 Jul 2005 20:36:34 GMT

I HAD THE MOST AMAZING SEX LAST NIGHT OMG OMG OMG OMG HOLY SHIT MY GIRL IS AMAZING. sorry if that's TMI but I just had to get that out of my system.

hoagie3852@aol.com — Wed, 29 Jun 2005 02:25:53 GMT

wooo I'm a slacka I'm sorry. I really really need to post more. Okay let me fill ya in on what's been going on. On the 21st jeri and I celebrated our 6 months. We got all dressed up and went to Red lobster, that was really special. Just sitting there staring into each other eyes over dinner. I got a beer and got carded, jeri didn't :P We also went to Hershey Park, that was just fanstastic. I convinced Jeri to go on the great bear and storm runner even though she is scared shitless of upside down rollercoaster. I though she was gonnakill me but she said she like it. woo hoo!!! She said she wanted me to win her something and i tried so hard but I suck and then right as we were leaving there was this guy and his son playing one of those shoot the water in the hole things, I sat downed and kicked some ass and won my girl a frog. I felt bad though cause As soon as I got up they got up and acted like they were done but once they were sure I was gone they went back to play again. So I am guessing they got themselves a prize. I gotta keep my girl happy though ya know.

I got two new melissa ferrick cds. I got Massive Blur and Melissa Ferrick +1 I haven't had a chance to really listen to them yet but I'm so excited about them. All I need now is made of honor and I will have them all.

Today we went and cashed in all our change so we could buy cigarettes. Sometimes I like being poor. I think it's a test of character. I feel like as long as we can get through this when things aren't so rough we will have the ability to look back and truly be thankful for what we have. Right now I am just thankful and I have enough to get by and a great person to stand by me through it all. I've learned to be thankful for the little things. Because when I was with Jewell yeah I had a lot more money but I was also a lot more miserable because she was what I had to come home to everyday. Now it doesn't matter that I can't afford shit because when I get home I get a hug a kiss and a how was your day. That means more to me then I will ever be able to explain.

I was thinking about getting another job in addition to the one I have. But then I was thinking what's the point of that. We have enough to get by ( barely but we are doing it) That would seriously take away from the time I get to spend with her and I just don't think that it's worth it. Ya know what they say, no one ever died thinking that they wish they would have worked more. They think about the best times of their life and my best times are with Jeri. That pretty much answers that question. But on the other hand I think I might like to use some of my extra time to start playin rugby again. I miss that a lot.

Starting Thursday my aunt and I are going to be working out every morning at 6:30am I dunno how I feel about the time but I'm excited about workin out. I just hope I'm a better diet partner than my aunt and my cousin were. Poor woman she actually gained like 30 pounds while dieting with them.

Well I guess that's pretty much it. If I would post more often I wouldn't have to write a friggin novel everytime I posted, that would be nice for a change. BTW Jeri has herself a live journal now her user name is froggy021380 she's all sad cause I have more people on my friends list than she does. So if you're interested add her. I gotta get going cause I have to be up at 3:30 and that is just WRONG!

hoagie3852@aol.com — Mon, 13 Jun 2005 00:29:41 GMT

so yeah i spent last night in a hot tub with a naked man and then had the most amazing sex on the most uncomfortable couch in the world ( not with the naked man)... fyi debbie does dallas east vs west is a waste of money